The "C" Word

This week Parade Magazine did a piece about Susan B. Komen. All I knew about her was that there was this huge breast cancer research foundation named for her. The article made her a real person to me. I shed a tear as I realized that her horrible death from cancer probably paved the way to make my ordeal so much easier. Thank you Susan and sister Nancy.

I just came from my first visit with my surgeon since my bilateral mastectomy last January. She is pleased with the outcome. I expected to emerge from this visit feeling cured and glad to put this all behind me, but as I should have known, that is never to be the case. Once you are branded with the "C" word, no matter how optimistic the prognosis is, the other "c" word (cured) seems to not exist. The next step is to see an oncologist for recommendations regarding tamoxifen. I have been putting this part off as long as possible because this is the step which brings home the reality of the cancer word.

The doctors like to use the word precancerous in describing DCIS. Some of the literature does also. I believe the official designation is Stage 0 breast cancer. The "C" in DCIS stands for carcinoma and to an old nurse that only means one thing. The treatment is the same as for any other stage cancer - cut it out.

My journey began last November when I went in for a routine mammogram. I was told by my primary care physician that I had this disease which she called the best possible of the worst news. She was right about that. She sent me to a surgeon for a simple lumpectomy then to be on my way happily ever after. I have learned a lot about DCIS since then and it is never that simple.

Two mammograms, an MRI, an Ultrasound, and two separate breast biopsies later it was determined that there was sufficient disease in both breasts to warrant bilateral mastectomies. This was supposed to give me an almost perfect cure. But no one will ever say it can never come back.

I feel healthy now and free of cancer and I will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

I am not one to share my medical problems with anyone and documenting this record is most difficult for me. I am doing this because I feel I owe it to anyone who is close to me to know how things went and, who knows, maybe someone else just starting on this journey will stumble across my story and gain some comfort from my words.

Here are the things that helped me through what could have been the worst ordeal of my life, but thanks to the abundance of friends and family in my life was really not so bad after all.

1. Share with your friends and family. I went through most of the work-up before I let anyone know what was happening to me. Finally, I told Don he could tell people, but how many people can you call and say "Guess what. I have breast cancer"? Finally I chose to send an e-mail to most of the people we know explaining my medical condition and treatment plan. It was the best move I had made to date. I began to receive cards, notes, and phone calls from important people in my life and some I hardly knew. Most important was the amount of prayers said for me. I am sure this is the number one reason my recovery has been so easy and complete.

2. There was a book written in the 70's I believe that was called "First You Cry". Well I didn't actually cry much until after the surgery. I felt like it plenty though, but tears do not come easily for me. Breasts mean different things to different women - and men. I was not worried about the cosmetics, there are lots of remedies for that. What I was concerned about was irretrievably lost to me. And I cried plenty about that. It wasn't until after the tears and the comfort of my exceptionally patient and understanding spouse that I was able to let go of my loss.

2. Laugh plenty. Many of my friends must have thought I was nuts, but we shared many a belly busting laugh over sick breast humor. They say belly laughing is good for you because it releases endorphins. And what better stress reducers are there.

3. Keep the body and mind active. It quickens the healing process both physically and emotionally. My husband gave me a 2000 word jigsaw puzzle for Christmas knowing that I would need something besides TV to occupy me after surgery.  People think I am amazing because I was in Florida hiking trails, swinging a golf club, and riding my bike 3 weeks after surgery. I am not so amazing. I did these things because it made me feel healthy and free of disease.

4. Take a good girlfriend with you boob shopping, not your spouse. She will tell you the truth about what looks good and bad and share a few more laughs.

5. Most of all, early on, I realized that this was not going to kill me and as the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you better.

I don't believe I ever took the love and closeness of our family for granted. Each one has been precious to me since the day I was born. So the experience didn't give me any epiphanies about that.
What I did find out though is that there are so many other people out there who love me and regard my presence as important to them. I have sometimes thought that people come to funerals and say so many great things about the deceased that it is a shame they cannot be there to hear it. So I imagined I might have a wake for myself while I am alive so I can hear what people really think about me. Well this was about as close to that as one can get. The outpouring of love was overwhelming and a true blessing. And the most important thing I will take away from all of this is to try to pay some of those blessings forward, and give to someone else what has meant so much to me.